Thoughts on Helping Angry Adolescents


Anger, like all emotions, informs us of how we understand a situation.  Common sense suggests that we figure out our reaction to events, then chose an appropriate response, but years ago social psychologists discovered that quite often we react to something or someone, then formulate a reason for our behavior.  We all have a need to believe our behavior is rational and most of us construct a sense of personal meaning within our choices that allows us to feel comfortable with them.  This is frequently true when we experience anger, a feeling accompanied by powerful physical sensations that can trigger extreme behaviors.

It is helpful to keep this information in mind when parenting angry adolescents, for they can experience intense feelings which they later justify with equal intensity.  Moral reasoning, the ability to comprehend the socially and ethically correct way to handling choices, develops throughout the teen years.  Quite often teens believe their anger is justified just because they feel angry.  Their thinking ability has not yet matured enough to support healthy choices that reflect a concern for the other person's needs.  This limitation in social reasoning coupled with physical maturity can create havoc in families and in the community.

Effective responses to angry and/or destructive behavior by adolescents includes establishing clear and appropriate limits on behavior (rules and guidelines), but must also include the articulation of the values that underlie the limits.  In order to help adolescents make positive choices, authority figures must implement logical and appropriate consequences and discuss the reasons why people need to learn how to manage anger in a socially acceptable manner.  

It's important to find out what the teens think and feel and validate the feelings without condoning behavior that is harmful to them or others.  Ultimately we want young people to make positive choices because they care about the way their behavior effects others, not because authority figures are forcing them to follow the rules.  In order to teach empathy, we must express it to them.
 
For example, the teen who reacts angrily to a request to come home by a specific time needs several different messages from parents.  The first is a clear and consistent message about the expectations for behavior: "Please be back home by 10:00pm".    The second message articulates the values the support the rule and fosters the development of empathy:  "I need to be able to go to sleep by then so I can be rested and alert at work tomorrow.  I can't go to sleep when your are out late because I worry about you.  I know you think you can handle yourself safely and a lot of other kids can stay out after 10:00pm, so you want to as well, but you and I need to develop more trust before I will let you be exposed to situations in which you might get hurt".   The third level of message needs to define consequences, both positive and negative.  "If you are late, you will lose privileges over the weekend.  If you can show me that you can be trusted by coming home on time, we can talk about your having more freedom to stay out later than 10:00pm on weekend nights".

Generally, people who learn they can get their way by intimidating others with anger tend to use this behavior more frequently.  Thus it becomes a habit or a pattern of response over time.  Parents and authority figures need to identify this pattern in a teen and give him or her the tools to change or manage this behavior. 

Anger management focuses on understanding the progression of feelings from the first little tinge to the full-blown rage, then helping the individual stop the progression before it gets out of control.  This type of training can be done in individual or group therapy.  Changing a teen's feelings from anger to acceptance or empathy requires that the teen's thinking matures to include the other person's needs and perspectives.  Sometimes only time will bring this change, but usually the process requires thoughtful and caring interactions that convey the message "Your needs are important too".